STUVI 2—Sources confirmed this morning that two CFA students in a relationship both convincingly faked their respective sexual climaxes late last night.

“That was fantastic,” exhaled Rebecca Goldschmidt (CFA ’16) luxuriously, while convincingly wiping nonexistent sweat off of her forehead. “You’re amazing, babe.”

“I think I love you, Becca,” replied Steven Hayes (CFA ’15), staring at the ceiling and monitoring his breathing for realism.

The two acting majors, currently approaching their five-month anniversary, have drawn rave reviews for their incredibly convincing portrayals of affection for one another.

“The way Steven pretends to care about which kind of flower to give her after one of her shows is just astounding,” said Peter Zhao (CAS ’14). “It’s just so lifelike.”

“Thank god he’s just acting, because I can’t see anyone willingly dating her,” Zhao continued. “Or him, for that matter. He’s an asshole.”

Sources confirm that both parties can’t believe they keep buying it.

“It takes all my training not to laugh at her cluelessness,” Hayes said. “That’s by far the most difficult part.”

Both parties have independently declared the other unsatisfactory during lovemaking, and can’t muster up any true feelings like Professor Hawkins taught them in their Method Acting seminars.

“It takes all my training not to laugh at his penis,” said Goldschmitt. “That’s by far the most difficult part.”

At press time, the two were seen eating in the dining hall, superbly imitating laughter at each other’s jokes.

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