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Politics

News

Joe Biden gives Kamala Harris a nickel to Run Down to the Packy to Get Him a Pack of Newports and a 40

March 3, 2022 0

By Maggie Vatter (CAS '22) Tension was afoot in the Biden household. The crazy Russian neighbor had encroached upon the Bidens’ lawn one too many…

News

Joe Biden To Be Awarded With “Sitting Time” After Three Months Of Walking

April 21, 2021 0

In a televised conference Thursday afternoon, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki announced that President Joseph Robinette Biden would be given a special reward in…

News

Top 5 Contenders for Prince Philip’s Cause of Death

April 13, 2021 0

In the wake of the death of the beloved despised Prince Philip, The Pinky Toe has enlisted its top-notch autopsy team - codename Toe Tags…

News

Capitol Rioters Broke In To Rename US As “Fwonkle”

March 26, 2021 0

After months of research, political analysts at The Bunion have finally discovered the true motives of the rioters at the capitol on January 6, 2021:…

City

Outrage Ensues Over American Girl Dolls Having Better Healthcare Than Americans

March 9, 2021 0

Earlier this week, many Americans called on lawmakers for a needed change to the failing American healthcare system. Many Americans couldn’t help but contrast the…

Politics

Yikes! Facebook Bots Made Your Aunt a White Supremacist

February 16, 2021 0

YOUR HOMETOWN — Your aunt, a middle-aged, middle-class woman from the suburbs, has recently become a full-on white supremacist due to some pesky Facebook bots.…

News

Joe Biden Wears Fake Pregnancy Belly To Show Commitment To Gender Equality

January 20, 2021 0

President-elect Joe Biden has committed to tackling important issues such as climate change, healthcare, and gender equality. Now, to further demonstrate his support for women’s…

News

Exposed! Here Are The Locations Of Mitch McConnell’s Horcruxes

November 27, 2020 0

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell just won another term! With over thirty-five years as a senator, our boy Mitch holds the record for longest Republican…

News

BREAKING: Old White Man Wins Election

November 6, 2020 0

The AP has confirmed that one of the 2020 presidential candidates, the old white man, has won the 2020 election. He narrowly beat out the…

News

Bernie Sanders is Sargent’s Choice, New Poll Reports

November 26, 2019 0

SARGENT — When we tell you that Bernie Sanders is the crunchiest presidential candidate there is, we aren’t kidding! From the start of the election…

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