MAIL ROOM—Sources report that students are feeling distraught and abandoned by the care packages they have been receiving from their parents.

“My mom’s packages have just gotten worse over the years,” said Mark Adams (COM ’17). “Freshman year my mom would send me homemade cookies and new clothes, but last week she sent me cotton balls and off brand shampoo. There wasn’t even a note.”

Carly Baker (CAS ’19) was also very upset with her recent mail arrival from home. “This months package featured a dull pair of scissors, two melted ice cream cones and all red MnMs. It’s like she’s not putting any thought into this at all!”

Some students have even joined a support group for opening care packages. In the group, the students hold each other’s hands as they open their packages from their parents.

“I started the care package support group because it really is hard to open packages from my parents,” stated Jenny Rummer (CAS ’18). “I keep trying to believe that my mom puts love into my packages, but I think she’s forgotten what love is.”

At press time, Jenny opened her package in front of the support group and the only item in there was a scale.

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