After months of research, political analysts at The Bunion have finally discovered the true motives of the rioters at the capitol on January 6, 2021: the capitol rioters wanted to rename the United States of America to “Fwonkle Twapple Slobbet-Twobbet Fwaa-Pworpet Dreepple-Sleem Lingle Pramfo Smeerkaldo-Scrod-ville.”
Or for short, Fwonkle.
For many, many reasons. Some of which are described in our interview with a Boston University student who just so happened to be a protestor, Mr. [REDACTED].
“Our country is the greatest country,” he proclaimed, “because we have the greatest president, Mr. [REDACTED]*. We analyzed his speeches…”
*For the safety of our employees at The Bunion, the President’s name has been omitted.
The man proceeded to pull crumpled scraps of paper from his pockets, spilling them onto our reporter’s lap.
“And it’s obvious that he left us a message! A message, of course, that only the fortunate can see.”
Our reporter privately noted that this statement sounded vaguely cult-like.
The scraps of paper were parts of the 45th president of the United States, Mr. [REDACTED]’s last speeches before the riot happened. Highlighted on the scraps were random letters; our reporter realized that the letters spelled out FWONKLE.
“Interesting,” the reporter said. “What does this mean?”
Our interviewee blushed prettily.
“Oh, you! You’ve found me out! You’d make a fantastic member of the Broud Poys. <3. In a show of defiant support for our president, we decided to rename our country!”
Our reporter wondered how the interviewee was able to say <3 out loud.
The man continued to say that the rest of the name, (Twapple Slobbet-Twobbet Fwaa-Pworpet Dreepple-Sleem Lingle Pramfo Smeerkaldo-Scrod-ville), was added on “because it sounded pretty.” He also noted that the rioters also wanted to hang a giant picture of President [REDACTED], but eventually decided it was overkill.
Attached are the pictures. They are, surprisingly, rather realistic pictures of President [REDACTED}
Photoshopped by @gattillynx
As the interview concluded, the man slipped our reporter his Discord username, xXshapiro_anime69, mentioning that the capitol riot had been planned on a server called Furries fur Fascism and that our reporter was invited.
Our reporter took an investigative leap and joined the server for research. However, as of late they have not been seen gorging themselves on mac n’ cheese at the dining hall or sobbing in the library as usual. We are worried.