BU East Campus—A heavy snowfall last week left the streets of Boston with a beautiful coat of fresh snow. Now, a beautiful coat of salt lines the streets to destroy the snow, similarly to the way Mark’s cold-blooded witch of an ex, Rebecca, destroyed his heart.

The snow sure is slippery, so plenty of salt is needed to dissolve the ice stuck to the sidewalks on Commonwealth Ave. Salt is a great way to get rid of that pesky snow that’s making students slide around campus, putting them in potentially dangerous situations.

“I, however, have reason to believe that no amount of salt could ever possibly dissolve the ice around Rebecca’s heart. Just sayin’,” reported Mark Benson (CAS ‘18).

“The first few months were pretty friggin’ sweet. It was just me and Rebecca against the world” continued Mark. “But ever since Toby came into the picture and stole her away from me, our relationship has never been the same. Anyways, I would gladly watch Rebecca slip to her death on unsalted ice.”

“I know I’m not salty about the way our relationship ended, but Rebecca…yikes. Let’s just say that the cold is nothing new for her. She’s an evil snake woman. That’s all I’m gonna say.”

At press time, Mark was seen cowering behind bushes when he ran into Rebecca on his way to class.

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