PSY—The administrator of a recently canceled psych study seeking anxiety-free college students as participants admitted earlier today that the study realistically wasn’t going to happen. The cancellation was due to an overwhelming lack of qualified subjects.

“I know, it was asking for a lot,” explained graduate student and study administrator Luke McCleary (CAS ‘18), “but we figured we’d give it a try. Surely someone in this school wasn’t a complete wreck.”

In the planning of the study, many on McCleary’s team made a point of the oxymoronic nature of the phrase “anxiety-free college students,” but McCleary remained confident.

“We just needed one,” McCleary continued, “Just one kid that could admit he was at least a little relaxed.”

Though the study claimed to require anxiety-free college students, only one student was technically necessary.

“It’s not like we didn’t get applications, either.” said Clive Wilson (CAS ’18), an assistant on the study, “people definitely knew about this. It’s just that the applicants we got weren’t exactly what we were looking for.”

“Honestly, you people aren’t in great shape.” McCleary reflected, “one of the applications was filled out in blood, which is insane because it was a digital form.”

At press time, a study for anxious college students was shut down by the fire department for drastic overcrowding.

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