NEAR THE GSU—It has been reported that the turkeys who always hang around campus will, in fact, be “flying the f*ck home for Thanksgiving.”

“We usually hang around the GSU, but some of the Cranberry Farms cooks have been givin’ us the eye,” said one of the turkeys. “Those of us who are staying have relocated to South Campus for safety.”

Other turkeys simply have family out of state:

“My cousin is getting pardoned by Trump this year, so that’s pretty exciting. Last year, I had a late class so I couldn’t get home in time for my dad’s execution.”

When asked how they will celebrate the holiday, one turkey divulged a family tradition going back to the days of the pilgrims. “My family usually has Thanksgiving in this huge bunker, and we give thanks for another year of life.”

Thanksgiving can be a particularly difficult time for the turkey community, however. “Once Halloween ends, we’re pretty much all on edge,” says one turkey. “You just never know who’s next, you know? You’d think we’d be past this, seeing that it’s 2018, but Thanksgiving yet again marks a regressive point in American history.”

Just yesterday, a small group of the turkeys planning to stay on campus for Thanksgiving were spotted congregating on Marsh Plaza, seemingly as an act of protest. When The Bunion reached out for a response, President Brown refused to comment.

Stay safe out there, brother and sister turkeys. And Happy Thanksgiving!

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