BOSTON—In response to the recent hike in armed robberies on campus, the Boston University Police Department has announced that they “will not do anything to help with these robberies.”

“The Boston University community is on their own for this,” the BUPD announced in a press release. “We will not increase patrol in the area. We will not bring in anyone for questioning. We will not follow any leads. In fact, we won’t even file a report on these crimes.

“And there’s nothing you can do about it,” the statement continued.

Although the robberies have all happened within a relatively small radius within Brookline, BU’s police maintain that they are completely at a loss. “We are dumbfounded,” states BUPD Police Chief Thomas G. Robbins. “There isn’t any point in trying to stop these crimes because we are hopelessly at a loss. I don’t even know where to start. Really, looking into these crimes would just be a waste of money.”

Despite the department’s ineptitude, students are not worried. “I walk home alone every day, but I don’t mind that BUPD is totally confounded by these crimes,” Molly Walen (COM ’14) stated. Ms. Walen lives on the same block as the initial robbery. “I feel safe enough knowing that the BUPD are policing the important crimes, like breaking up parties with underage drinking in Allston and ticketing bicycles that are parked on those weird fence things outside of CAS.”

If anyone sees another one of these armed robberies, BUPD tells students to, “not even bother giving us a call.”

As of press time, another armed robbery occurred in the same eight-block radius. The suspects are two black males aged 13-18. One was wearing a red hoodie and another was wearing a blue hoodie.

UPDATE: 1:40 PM – There was one more armed robbery only a block from the last robbery. The suspects are two black males aged 13-18. One was wearing a red hoodie and another was wearing a blue hoodie.

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