BOSTON—In response to the three robberies that all took place on or near the BU campus last Friday night, exasperated Boston University Police Chief Thomas G. Robbins addressed the student body, taking them to task for their complicity in these crimes.

“Come on, guys. Three robberies in one night. Really? You’re all pathetic,” Chief Robbins stated. “How easy are you making it for these robbers? Do you walk around town at 3 a.m. jingling loose change in your pocket while waving your iPhones over your heads?”

Chief Robbins went on posing rhetorical questions for 20 minutes before outlining how students can avoid being mugged in the future.

“If you go to BU, you will be mugged at some point. It’s an inevitability. There’s nothing we can do about it. So maybe start lifting weights. You’re definitely going to want to carry a weapon of some sort, like a pocket knife or some ninja stars, at all times.”

“Why do we have to do all the work?” Chief Robbins asked the crowd. “Only you can stop you from getting robbed. I think we’ve made that pretty clear these past few months.”

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