Photoshopped by Karen Martinez (COM '22)

QUESTROM OF SCHOOL BUSINESS- BUPD arrested David Clark (QST ‘21) outside the Questrom School of Business last Wednesday for the secondhand murders of several people in the Boston area.

“Clark is a prolific secondhand serial killer, believed to have been operating since his freshman year,” Chief of Police Paul Leaseman stated in a press release. “He has been maliciously blowing smoke into the faces of passersby for the greater part of the last three years.”

While the effects of secondhand smoke are well known as health hazards, this is the first recorded case of targeted exhalation with the intent to harm.

“At this time, we believe Clark has been targeting COM and COM-adjacent persons as his victims,” Chief Leaseman continued. “This includes anyone who may have been listening to a podcast, carrying a Fjallraven bag, or talking loudly about their favorite A24 film.”

Clark denied the accusations. 

“What, you think I’m a (secondhand) serial killer? No! I may be a smoker and a vengeful loner orphaned by an accident caused by two absent-minded journalism majors, but I have absolutely no reason to want to harm anyone in COM. None at all.”

At press time, Clark was reported to have asked for a Canada Goose Jacket and some sensible brown loafers to wear in court.

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