CAS THIRD FLOOR BATHROOM, FAR LEFT STALL — After a wildly successful rollout of two-factor authentication on StudentLink, Boston University has taken the logical next step: two-factor authentication for flushing any and all on-campus toilets.

“The security of my poops has been a concern ever since I toured the university as a junior in high school,” said Shitzen Gigguls (CAS ‘22), founder of the student group “Protect the Poop” whose online petition recently reached a whopping 36 signatures. “Now that BU has taken this long-overdue step by adding a second layer of security to each flush, I can finally sleep at night.”

Each time a student finishes dumping their excrement and wiping their anus with BU’s state-of-the-art quarter-ply toilet paper, they’ll push the handle, at which point the user will hear Dean Elmore’s voice ask them to scan their green “Cleared” badge and say their date of birth.

At that point, the user will receive a text with a unique 28-digit number to repeat back to the toilet. Finally, the toilet will ask six to seven other standard security questions including “mother’s maiden name,” “social security number,” “street that paternal grandfather grew up on,” “name of first goldfish you let die after two weeks,” and “why do all you people keep shitting in my mouth, I said it didn’t turn me on.”

Is the two-factor authentication going to work? “Absolutely,” said the Dean of IT Services and Miscellaneous Toilet Stuff, Boss O’Feces. “For years, we’ve had environmental professors swiping poop to fertilize their rooftop farms; hospitality students stealing it to smear on bedsheets for their motel unit; even on-campus sightings of 23andMe looking for some young DNA to trace to Hugh Hefner.”

“And can someone explain the infamous purple poop of ‘04 to me?” O’Feces continued. “What the hell happened? Now, we can put these decades of lackluster security behind us. Members of the BU community can finally defecate with their minds at ease knowing their poop will travel through pipes to a sewer, get cleaned, and be released back into a river or stream for us to drink again.”

At press time, BU began requiring two-factor authentication for getting French bread for your dining hall sandwich, pressing the Saint Mary’s Street crosswalk button, and inhaling on-campus oxygen.

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