Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Timothy Choi (COM '22)

Tim is a freshman from a cornfield just outside of Chicago, IL studying Film & Television.

STUVI2Boston University officials gathered to unveil a new safety measure amidst concerns over security on BU buildings and the campus at large.

“We’ve decided to take a more hands off approach,” announced Loch Yudors, a spokesperson for the administration. “As the old saying goes, give a student a fish and you feed them for a day, but teach a student to fish and you make it impossible for them to be assaulted on campus regardless of inadequate safety measures.”

Officials kicked off their new safety initiative with the announcement that all blue light police phones would be uninstalled and replaced with “common sense boxes.” These boxes will be small machines with an emergency button. When pressed, the box will dispense cards with sage advice like “Don’t Walk Home Alone At Night” and “Enroll in a Self Defense Class” on them.

“We believe students are young adults that can make their own safety decisions,” Yudors explained. “Honestly, these small nuggets of vast and powerful wisdom should be looked at as more of a gift than a right.”

At press time, university officials were seen high fiving each other and declaring themselves “un-sueable” after changing the school’s motto to “We Make No Definite Or Certain Promise To Keep Our Students Safe.”

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