Photoshopped by Reid Phillips (COM '22).
Sam Vatalaro (COM '22)

Sam is originally from Saratoga Springs, NY majoring in Film & TV, and, well, you know what they say.

SOUTH CAMPUS- In response to a series of break-ins, robberies, and indecent exposures, BU announced the release of their new safety measure:  a live North American grizzly bear set free to roam campus.

“We’ve heard the calls for things like tinting first-floor windows, installing cameras, or even putting chain locks on doors, which are all pretty out there,” said BUPD Officer Leif Barezbee. “We heard, and we listened. And then we bought a 600-pound bear to protect you instead.”

The bear, identifiable as the Safety Bear by its jaunty little hat with the title on it, stands over nine feet tall on its hind legs and can reach speeds of up to 35 miles per hour when provoked. The hat has been featured to make the bear more “approachable.”

“We want Safety Bear to become a part of your everyday life in South Campus,” stated Officer Barezbee.  “We know you’re worried about strange men breaking in to your homes and committing acts of sexual harassment, but have you tried giving Safety Bear a big ole hug? He’s got a cute hat on!”

Safety Bear, beyond comforting students, is supposed to scare away any potential intruders, or in the case of an invasion, fight them off. Early tests, however, have shown mixed results.

“No, Safety Bear did not successfully stop our test intruder,” admitted Officer Emily Hunni. “In fact, he chased a group of residents up a tree, smashed three cars beyond repair, and then ate the trash out of the bins. But he did prevent bad guys from getting inside of the dorms. In fact, he prevented anyone from getting inside the dorms. He’s very territorial.”

South Campus residents were less than enthusiastic at the news that Safety Bear was becoming a permanent feature of the neighborhood.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” said one student, who asked to remain anonymous. “I have to fight off criminals in my dorm without any support from BUPD, and now I also have to dodge a bear in a stupid hat every time I go outside?”

BUPD responded to the above statement saying: “We are deeply troubled to hear of this experience a student has had. No one should have to go through this alone or afraid. We, BUPD, can absolutely promise that the bear’s hat is not stupid at all. in fact, it’s downright adorable.”

When asked to comment on the situation, Safety Bear responded: “RAAAAAUUUUUURRRRRGH.”

Leave a Reply