KILACHAND TESTING SITE — In an effort to lift students spirits this March, Boston University will be dying the liquid in all of their COVID tests green.
March is the happiest time of year in Boston with the excessive Irish pride and binge drinking that St. Patrick’s Day brings. However, due the panoramic it will be looking different this year. BU wants to make students feel like things are still normal, so instead of the Charles turning green, it will be their COVID tests.
In order to achieve the effervescent green color, an undisclosed substance has been added to the water within the COVID tests. BU officials have not stated what it is, but have warned students that if they spill it on themselves, it may severely burn their skin.
Along with possible flesh burning, the unknown chemical may or may not change the results of the test. One anonymous attendant at the COVID testing lab just shrugged and said, “We don’t really know what exactly is happening in the test tubes. The [UNDISCLOSED SUBSTANCE] is changing the chemical makeup of the mucus. It is almost mutating it into something… more sinister. A lab tech last week was examining a few samples and has been missing ever since.”
There have been a few setbacks as the supply of the undisclosed substance has diminished, and the 808 testing site had to stir green Fun Dip into the COVID tests water. Another new protocol states that any student who is not wearing green is subjected to being pinched by one of the testing attendants.
In response to this new campaign, one exhausted student said, “Please, we just want more wellness days. Please.”