By Jacob Nesson
NICKERSON FIELD–Word is in that times are tough, especially for universities. Boston University has recently announced that they are scraping by–only a $50 million dollar profit in the last year.
This budget shortage has had drastic impacts on top administration, as they are taking on budget cuts as a result of the crisis.
“I don’t think I can live like this anymore,” President Brown complained, adjusting his monocle. “I was forced to sell one of my Ferrari’s and have only been able to escape this wretched town in my private jet ONCE this year. Despicable.”
However, the university has come up with a solution–participation trophies. BU will be handing out these bedazzling figures in replacement of diplomas.
BU has decided to personalize the trophies specific to each major, demonstrating the skills they walked away from BU with.
A student graduating CFA will, instead of receiving a diploma, be awarded a trophy of someone delicately painting. Biology students will receive one depicting a student in a lab coat examining test tubes and pouring chemicals. COM students will be awarded a bronze trophy of 2 people arguing while a TV is playing in the background.
The trophy for Questrom graduates portrays a depressed man decked out in a Gucci suit, head down with a cigarette in one hand and a wretched diploma in the other.
“We landed on a literal goldmine,” stated a leaked email from a BU official. “A local mom and pop trophy shop had been hit hard by COVID, giving us the perfect opportunity to scam them. We walked in with our top of the line lawyers and fuckin steamrolled them. What idiots.”
In the contract, the trophy shop has not only promised to shell out 5,000 trophies for just 100 dollars.
All in all, this has saved BU a whopping $6.57. When asked about if all this effort was worth it, President Brown criticized the reporter for their short-sightedness, instead pointing to the interest that this saving could generate over the next 20 years.
At press time, President Brown was nowhere to be found. It was later reported to The Bunion that he was caught pickpocketing drunk students in Allston.