by Jameson Beckman

COMM AVE— Students are jumping for joy today as Boston University announces partnership with Forest Laboratories Inc., the makers of Lexapro, to distribute “Moon Shoes” to all students in an attempt to completely cure finals fatigue.

Students will be able to pick up their springy shoes from the observatory on the top of the CAS building starting December 10th and going until the end of the winter semester. 

Blinding neon red signs and posters have appeared across BU campus touting the tagline for the new initiative: “The Shoes of the Future Fighting The Depression of Today!” Beaming students soar to enthusiastic heights overhead the number for the BU Behavioral Medicine hotline in thin, grey lettering. 

“We hope that this new campaign will help eradicate all forms of stress, depression, and anxiety that burden our students as the semester comes to a close,” said Kenneth Elmore, Dean of Students. “You can’t be depressed if you’re jumping!”

Moon Shoes are backed by new-age technology, garnering the attention of the global science community for their ingenuity. 

“The design of these shoes highlight the most recent efforts in uniting dynamic travel and x-sports entertainment,” said Dr. Richard Montgomery, ex-head of MIT’s Department of Aeronautics and Astronautics. 

Moon Shoes, however, are not without their limits, and studies show a potential downside to this otherwise perfect solution. 

“In our research, we have found a 2.5% mortality rate associated with Moon Shoes usage,” Dr. Montgomery said. “Collisions are inevitable, especially in a population this large and with walkways this narrow, and the learning curve for controlling the shoes is not to be underestimated.”

The jury’s out on the shoes’ efficacy in fighting mental disorders as well. Carla Viveros, a representative from the National Institute of Mental Health, said, “What are you talking about? Did you just ask if bouncy shoes can fight depression? Can I ask again what publication you said you write for?”

There is no debate on the shoes’ popularity among students, however. Sally Sunday (CAS ‘23) said, “I mean I was about to drop out, but I just hopped for like 5 minutes and I’m sold. It’s like the Prozac of footwear!”

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