Photoshopped by Michael Yue (CAS '23)
Thomas Silver

Tom is a freshman from the NYC area studying Linguistics in CAS. He likes maps.

BU Sustainability has announced its most ambitious plan yet: to power the entire university using students frantically running on human-sized hamster wheels. The initiative, which is on track to be completed by 2040, is being hailed as a breakthrough in sustainability.

“It’s really a win-win,” said Forrest Greene, BU’s Associate Director for Sustainability and Engagement. “The hamster wheels will mean that BU is completely independent of fossil fuels and other polluting energy sources. Plus, every student will benefit from at least five hours of daily cardio.”

The exact length of the mandated daily running period will vary from student to student, depending on how often they use metal straws, Greene added.

This also means that BU can finally get rid of FitRec and replace it with a wind farm that takes advantage of the fierce wind tunnels on campus.

Sources told The Bunion that students will be motivated to keep running by the threat of creeping grade deflation that grows with every minute a student spends off the hamster wheel.

The first few wheels are scheduled to be installed at convenient locations throughout the Charles River Campus during the Spring 2020 semester. The project’s first “guinea pigs” will be student sustainability ambassadors, who are expected to run in the wheels while breathlessly mumbling about carbon footprints.

At press time, Greene announced that tour guides will be required to run backwards.

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