Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a sophomore from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She likes kombucha for the taste.

KILACHAND CENTER FOR INTEGRATED LIFE SCIENCES AND ENGINEERING – Three days ago, faculty in the Kilachand Center for Integrated Life Sciences and Engineering announced the completion of a new high-tech robot, which they have entered into the 2018 Boston Marathon. However, the robot has sparked controversy in the Boston athletic community: in addition to many other features which appear to put it at an advantage over its human competitors, its most crucial design element is the actual prosthetic legs of infamous Olympic felon Oscar Pistorius.

Reporters from The Bunion learned that the legs were sent to the Kilachand Center by an anonymous donor with a note attached, reading, “These were confiscated by the federal prison because they were considered weapons. Please continue my legacy. Also, I didn’t mean to kill that b****. –Not Oscar Pistorius.”

Other features included motorized wheels that enable it to travel at 80 miles per hour and a razor thin body to reduce air resistance. But the most concern has been centered on the “evil powers” that Pistorius’s legs are thought to possess.

“Yeah, everyone knows it was Pistorius’s legs who killed his girlfriend,” remarked FitRec employee Jeff Jetson, who is both a calf muscle fanatic and a self-proclaimed homicide detective. “I think people are most worried about the fact that this robot could turn on the other runners.”

At press time, Bunion reporters spotted the robot laughing maniacally as he whizzed down Comm Ave with his lady friend, the Mugar color printer.

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