Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21)
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Jacob is a Freshman from Easton, Massachusetts. He currently has no major and no life, a true disappointment overall.

Warren Towers–Boston University has begun to roll out an initiative to combat COVID-19 after seeing recent success at Nickerson Field, where a recording of Dean Elmore can be found on the jumbo screen shouting at students to abide by the school’s regulations.

BU is expanding this plan so that every building, including dorms, will have at least 3 telescreens, running around the clock. 

Warren Towers has been the first location to receive this new technology.

“Students have been asking for Warren to be renovated, and we listened,” said President Brown proudly. 

Unlike the screen at Nickerson Field, these screens have monitoring capabilities around the clock that stream in real time to a secret lair on BU’s campus. There, high ranking BU officials, along with freshmen from BU Academy, gather to watch students at all times, and either reinforce their positive behaviors, or critique their negative ones.

Although the university sees it as a necessity that’s part of the Back2BU plan, students have begun to voice their complaints about the systems.

Students have been critical of the morning routine, which begins at 7:30 AM with Dean Elmore screaming “GOOOOOOOD MORNING COMRADES” before forcing students to put on their masks in front of the screen and viciously wash their hands.

“At first, it wasn’t SO bad,” said Matt Nepock (ENG 24’). “They wouldn’t bother us as long as we put our masks on and washed our hands.”

However, over the past few days, the measures have invaded students lives well past just enforcing COVID. 

Just one of the many examples of this happened when Nepock was changing and heard a voice from the screen exclaim “what are thooooooooooose!” The voice continued to insult Nepock’s style choices, pushing him to the brink.

“I’ve had it,” said Nepock. “I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I simply don’t know what to do. I would transfer, but the last kid who tried to do that got a cage of rats put on his head.”

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