Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)

SOMEWHERE ON COMM AVE- Following multiple complaints of the BU Bus never showing up on time anywhere, BU transportation officials have finally figured out why: BUS shuttle drivers have been operating on daylight savings time all along.

“Yeah, I guess it started when we unionized back in 2015. We could never keep track, so we just kept going on whatever time we felt suited us best,” said one driver.

When asked by BU Student Government why they do it, the drivers simply responded, “Hey, it’s five o’clock somewhere,” and closed the bus door in their faces before proceeding to Sunset Cantina and ordering multiple margaritas and XXL nachos. Yum.

This mentality has been affecting the quality of driving, with drivers reportedly taking shots at every stop, and offering to “smoke up” a few lucky riders.

“I saw my driver do a line of coke last week!” said Brittany Peterson (CAS 22). “Right off the top of the steering wheel, which was already impressive, but even more impressive was that he was trying to drive while doing it. King.”

Reports of BUs drivers drag racing down Comm Ave have also surfaced. With bonus points awarded for hitting cars and students, many fear the coke is doing the driving now.

One Questrom student has come up with a solution that they hope will help everyone involved in this fiasco. “Take an Uber,” Billy Moneybags XX (QST’ 22) explains, “stop being a broke bitch and call an Uber.”

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