COMMONWEALTH AVENUE—Boston University has been named 1st of 500 schools in a new report ranking which universities are best at aggressively promoting arbitrary college classification reports.

“This new ranking means that BU leads the world in giving extreme weight to unsupported college reports, many of which contain criteria that don’t accurately sum up how good a college actually is,” said Jean Morrison, University provost.

“Harvard ranked fifth in this report,” Morrison continued. “So, I guess you could say we are better than Harvard.”

The report, powered by Dumb Shit Analytics, cites how often BU touts any ranking that places them on top, even if the report is unwarranted and overly specific.  Past reports that made school headlines include: “The Best Colleges That Start With B,” “The Top Schools On Commonwealth Avenue” and “A Ranking Of The Best Universities That MLK Jr. Attended.”

After hearing of the good news, President Robert Brown cut his extended lunch at Eastern Standard short, took off his lobster bib and attended a press conference to commend the recent rankings.

“This newest report, much like all the others, arbitrarily assigns us a number,” Brown said. “And because the number is one—and not a higher number like four or five—we can be confident that this means we are the best.”

At press time, BU students were frantically emailing their parents the newest report in the hopes that it would make up for them getting wait-listed at Tufts.

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