Photoshopped by Michael Yue (CAS '23).
Emma Quarequio (CAS '23)

Emma is a Sociocultural Anthropology major in CAS from Miami, Florida. She is a veteran emo kid and has a running list of all the mispronunciations of her last name.

CAPE COD— It happened again. You woke up to an empty bed, and it’s not because of a runaway Tinder hookup this time— your roommate went home for the 8th time this month. It’s become a bit concerning, and after several extensive conversations with administration, BU has finally conjured up a solution: a brand new satellite campus down on the Cape. 

“Honestly I think it’s like, super convenient,” says Dadie Smoné (Questrom ‘23). “As someone who only drinks iced chai lattes from the cute coffee place in East Falmouth, I really don’t think I’d, like, survive if I had to drink Dunkin’. It makes me super bloated, interferes with my regularly scheduled Brazilian wax, and [redacted].” 

The new campus will feature a second BU Beach, complete with genuine sand and ocean, as well as summer home-style dormitories for the students who just can’t seem to part with their beach house during the fall semester. There will be a resort-style combination spa-rejuvenation center that includes elective plastic surgery services, a sauna, and future trophy wife marriage counseling, all available free of charge to students on the Cape Campus. Brunch is set to occur Monday-Sunday, regardless of occasion or time, and Marciano Commons has been elected to cater the elite groups of students. 

There are several specific prerequisites for transfer-campus approval, some of which include at least four Tory Burch handbags, a Land and/or Range Rover, and a small, white dog with excessive eye boogers that really isn’t that cute, despite what house guests may claim. 

In a pamphlet only issued to a select group of individuals, BU has also clarified that those who fill out their FAFSA annually will not be eligible for residency or classes on the Cape, but strongly encourages those whose parents have “generously donated to the University in the past” to apply for relocation. It should be noted that course enrollment at this particular campus is optional, and students on the Cape Campus are encouraged to “relax and let the Trust Funds do the heavy lifting.” The Bunion was instructed by administration to not include this part, but they don’t have to know. 

At press time, it was reported that the Student Link site for the new campus had crashed multiple times, with the application portal heavily overwhelmed by Sunrise Yoga 101 enrollment.

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