BOSTON—In the wake of public outrage regarding the University’s new Allocations Board policy which requires student groups to pay back any funding they receive for charitable events, Boston University officials have announced that the school itself is now a charity.
“People were surprisingly angry when we announced that most of the money they raise for charity will now go towards paying back the school,” Assistant Dean of Students John Battaglino said in a statement Friday morning. “So we came up with a solution that we think will make everyone happy.” Under its new status, Boston University will no longer be considered just a private school, but also a for-profit charity. As such, BU will be accepting donations from anyone who supports their cause. “We’re trying to reach a billion dollars in donations, so any help is appreciated,” Battaglino added.
“What charitable things do we do? Pfff, what DON’T we do?” Remarked a visibly flustered President Brown. “You should be asking that question to other charities. Giving people clean water? Big deal. We provide thousands of students with delicious Pepsi products everyday.”
BU administrators are now trying to convince the Community Service Center to put together a last minute Alternative Spring Break trip that would have students remain on campus and do clerical work for free.
“Listen people, we are going to get your money no matter what,” said an exasperated Brown. “So you might as well feel good about yourself for giving it to us.”
At press time, half of the Community Service Center was being cleared out and converted into the new Kilachand Charity Money Vault.