BOSTON UNIVERSITY – As the sun begins to shine and warmer weather approaches, more and more stupid bitches on the street think it’s okay not to wear a mask.
“We tell people to continue taking precautions, because not everyone is vaccinated yet, but no one is listening,” said a university official. “So now, we are taking a new approach.”
The university has assigned an unlikely group to the task of enforcing masks on campus: BU sorority girls.
“This is perfect,” said the university official. “Apparently our social distancing campaigns have lost their initial shock value. Nobody is afraid anymore. So, what better way to strike fear into the hearts of college students than sending a pack of sorority girls to judge them?”
“Our shame strategy is, like, super effective,” said Sara McSafferton (CAS ‘21), sorority president and leader of the mask-wearing campaign. “I mean, yelling at people? Bleh. Getting close enough to hand out free masks? Grody. Attempting to reason with them by explaining that the wearing of masks is a small personal sacrifice that has an infinitely larger impact on the good of the collective? So last year!”
“No,” McSafferton continued. “Our plan is better than that. It’s foolproof. We’re gonna stand on the sidewalk…and judge them. We’re going to side-eye them. We’re going to peek at them all at once, then giggle mysteriously. We’re going to ask them about their botched nose jobs, fully knowing that they’ve never had one. We will sow the seeds of insecurity so deep in their subconscious that they’ll start covering up their faces on their own! Its so simple…so simple that it just might work!”
McSafferton concluded her explanation with a small, well-deserved villainous chuckle. “Oh! Also,” she continued, smiling brightly, “definitely check out our upcoming events on the sorority Facebook page! We’re having a big-little picnic. But don’t worry, we’re only gonna stand close to each other for, like, three group photos.”
At press time, McSafferton’s squad of sorority sisters was seen taking down signs for both ‘F*ck It Won’t Cut It’ and ‘Don’t Go Viral,’ and replacing them with their own signs, which read ‘On Wednesdays, We Still Wear Fucking Masks.’