Photoshopped by Michael Yue (CAS '23)

WHITESTONES – Dreams were crushed Saturday night when girlfriends Anna, Meg, and Melody drunkenly called the BU Escort number on the back of their ID cards, only to find out that the service is not what it sounds like.

“It was a little weird when they called me and they were already in a house,” said BU Escort volunteer Matt Walters (CGS ‘22). “I was very confused but also kind of flattered they thought of BU Escorts first.”

In a press release following the incident, the BU Escort Service published a list of reminders about their services.

“In order for us to best serve the BU community, we want to issue a few reminders. 1) Please call us if you feel unsafe 2) Please do NOT call us if you want to ‘have a slice’ of ‘that delectable ass.’”

When asked about what she said on the phone to ruffle Walters’ feathers, Melody responded she had no idea that the escort service wasn’t that kind of escort service. 

“I think it would actually do more for student morale if there was a BU service that I could pay someone to go to events with me as a date.”

She says that’s why she and her friends are launching BU Actual Escort Service, now to accept dining points.  

“We’re gonna do what it actually says on the tin,” said Meg.  “Provide a real service to the BU community!”

At press time, the three girlfriends were seen stranded at TITS after closing because the BU Escort Service had stopped taking their calls.

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