By: Jacob Nesson

George Sherman Union – An environmental club at BU, “Greenies”, has seen enough. No matter how hard they have tried to encourage recycling, composting, and other simple actions BU students can take to be more sustainable, it doesn’t work. Students are still throwing cardboard in the trash, and orange chicken in the recycling without thinking twice. Rightly, the club is fed up, and have introduced a new system that they believe will encourage “proper behavior”.

The team decided to create a new program, incentivizing students to take more sustainable actions. At the GSU trash, recycling, and food waste bins, those who incorrectly sort their belongings will now be electrically shocked. 

John Carbon (CAS 22’), President of Greenies, believes the program is essential. “We are tired of being mistaken for the stoners club at BU. We’ve done all we can with the limited resources we have. It’s time to fight back, and to create some real change for once.”

The trial system has been in place for a week, and we have already seen some shocking results.

3 students have been hospitalized after receiving electric shocks of up to 500 volts, and hundreds more have petitioned to get rid of this new system.

“I do enough for the environment already,” said Kelly Greenhouse (COM 24’), gesturing to her reusable water bottle. 

Other students have found alternative ways to dispose of their trash.

Tim Shole (CAS 22’) nervously looked around before exclaiming that he’s found a loophole–flushing his food down the toilet in the men’s bathroom.

When asked if this was supported by the University, or even legal, Carbon was quick to pull up this video, which has recently surfaced. President Brown and his colleagues can be seen in a small, dark room, holding today’s newspaper with one hand, and the other forcibly tied behind their backs. A dim light shines on them before a mysterious voice off camera groans “go.”

“We have gathered here at our own free will to support all the amazing work that Greenies is doing on our campus,” Brown states, clearly emotional. With fear in his eyes, he granted full authority of the GSU to Greenies.

The next day, there was much change to the GSU entryway. The red banners for each class year at BU were replaced with 3 giant green banners with a pair of watchful eyes, reading “reuse, reduce, recycle.”

Leave a Reply