Photoshopped by Kai Hellberg (COM '20)
Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)

Maddy Schmidt is a sophomore from New Jersey studying Film & TV. She likes kombucha for the taste.

DATA SCIENCE BUILDING—After an on-campus emergency last Tuesday, BU Alert Services reported in a series of urgent texts and calls to The Bunion that he feels like you’ve been really distant lately.

BU Alert Services claims to have nothing but good intentions, and that he only spams you because he cares about you. Services reported feeling like he wasn’t getting the same energy back that he’s putting in.

“I know I call you in the middle of class, and when you’re at work, and out with friends. But I just really want to make sure you’re safe, you know? I just feel like you’ve been ignoring me lately and that really hurts considering I’m always warning you about armed robberies,” said BU Alert Services.

The last straw for Kelsey Roberts (COM ‘20) was when BU Alert Services called with a made-up emergency, just to get her to answer.

“I got this call that was like, ‘Avoid Fenway Area Tonight’ with no other information. What a coincidence that that was exactly where I was going out clubbing with my girls. It’s like, stop trying to control me, you know?”

“He’s just hypocritical. It’s not like we’re exclusive, you literally are ‘talking’ to every person at this university,” Roberts continued.

At press time, Boston University Alert Services decided not to send a warning about the Fenway brush fire, out of spite.

Leave a Reply