West Dining Hall — BU has announced that it will begin offering breast milk in campus dining halls as a new vegan alternative.
“Students with an eco-conscious mind and teet-craving palette rest easy knowing all of their favorite meals are certified vegan and delicious,” a BU representative stated in an interview. When asked about the legitimacy of the claim that breast milk is vegan, the increasingly sweaty representative slipped the interviewer a $20 bill and said, “Dude, just trust me.”
The new introduction has been building grassroots support since 2011, when one junior, high on edibles, tried breast milk and swore that it tasted just like “that bit at the bottom of your bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch when the sugar and cinnamon combine with the milk.” Since the success of this grassroots movement, students have expressed appreciation for the new alternative milk option.
One of the largest—in every sense of the word—proponents of the new mammary option is Tyler Smith, Questrom ‘22, who claims that the breast milk has been “seriously electric in my protein shake breakfast.”
Newly-appointed school Wet Nurse Linda Ferrel has been avidly serving as a commercial supplier of breast milk for over 25 years and doesn’t plan on slowing down. In a thick New York accent and with the lungs of a six-packs-a-day kind of smoker, she assured us, “I’ve been to every school in this country. When people need milk, they come to me.”
In a warm welcome to the new classic, dining services on campus have begun offering Salted Caramel Lattitties, chocolate and vanilla Breast-Milkshakes, and Boobberry Yogurt. Lines have extended out of doors, surpassing the excitement for even Lobster Night.
Judging by the sheer volume of breast milk stored in the trunk of Ferrel’s 1995 Honda Accord — some of which appeared to be turning into breast cheese — it doesn’t look like BU will be going thirsty anytime soon.