WEST CAMPUS—University members have criticized the Facebook page “BU Crushes 2.0”, claiming that the page`s student-written declarations of attraction blemish the university’s reputation, endanger the student body’s self-esteem, encourage unhealthy voyeuristic urges and oh my fucking gosh, that’s my name right there. That article is about me.

Reports indicate that students have dismissed the blurbs as childish examples of of sexual desperation and bro, check this, you will not believe what this girl said about my abs.

“It’s honestly just immature. I can’t understand why people care so much about this crap,“ said Tess Cooper (SHA ‘15).

“It’s just an outlet for creepy introverts who think that some social media prose will get them some human interaction – hang on a sec, sorry. My phone’s going crazy, I just got like, twelve notifications,” added Cooper, who could not be reached for further comment upon screaming profusely and yelling “Oh my god, oh my god, Karinne [Sandstrom, CAS ‘15], I know who this is. I think I know who this is.”

Experts say that every post on BU Crushes 2.0, from multi-paragraph essays to “amateurish attempts” of poetry, only attract Facebook likes and not lasting relationships, but I just want to meet whoever this is. Should I comment on it? How should I comment on it? Should I wait for someone to tag my name so I can pretend like I didn’t see it until now?

The administrators of BU Crushes 2.0 could not be reached for comment. This post says the person is in my philosophy class, so should I wear the same outfit in lecture again? Or would that make it too obvious?

Students on the BU Crushes 2.0 page reveal that I should totally try to get with this person, whoever it is. “Yes, you should hit that [male/female student] up ‘cuz they definitely want [romantic involvement],“ said one commenter on the page who tagged my name to make sure that I saw the post.

Goddamn, I knew I was hot.

At press time, your best friend was laughing while submitting five more BU Crushes entries addressed to you.

Leave a Reply