WARREN TOWERS—As BU housing anticipates dorms to be at full capacity for Spring semester, many dorms must be rearranged to make room for all the students returning from abroad. You’ve heard of quads in Warren, now get ready for: that same room shared with 30 random roommates.

“At Boston University, we believe that building a community is an integral part of the freshman experience. That’s why we force all first-years to stay on campus and purchase a mandatory $5,000 dining plan. This exciting opportunity will prove an excellent bonding experience for our students,” said President Brown in a statement.

In protest of this new policy, 30 organized a students a “sit-in” in President Brown’s office (which is roughly the size of a BU quad) to demonstrate the dangers of these living conditions.

“There’s a student’s hindquarters on my desk,” Brown said. “I feel closer to the student body than ever.”

After several more failed protests, students finally used the one piece of legal evidence they knew would convince President Brown.

“6 or more women living in one house in Mass. is legally considered a brothel,” stated student activist Cathy March (WED ‘20).

“Okay, so then what would 30 able-bodied men in a 4-person dorm be considered? A successful plan,” stated President Brown after taking that actual fact about brothels into consideration.

The self-named 30-man dorm “Hey, At Least It’s Not a Motel 6” is set to open late 2019, along with StuVi 3.

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