Photoshopped by Frank Hernandez (COM '20)
Frank Hernandez (COM '20)

Frank is a senior from Puerto Rico studying journalism. His mom thinks he's pretty funny.

BOSTONBoston University is claiming responsibility for infecting a Northeastern University student with measles, confirming Operation FU-NEU, BU’s first officially sanctioned biowarfare program, is showing early signs of success.

“Originally, we wanted to keep our involvement with bioweapons a secret, seeing as they’re an explicit breach of the Geneva Protocol,” said BU spokesperson Morton Rubeola. “But fearing Tufts would claim ownership of another BU invention, we decided to step in and admit to it before they had a chance to steal our thunder.”

BU officials also gave a reason as to why they chose to attack Northeastern instead of their bigger, better known rival, Boston College.

“The BC rivalry is a real one. Go to any game between BU and BC and you’ll see what I’m talking about: the cheers, the chants, the emotions, it’s all there,” said Rubeola. “BC is the bad guy we love to hate. They’re our antithesis– the other side to our coin– and we wouldn’t dare hurt somebody as close to us as they are.”

“Northeastern, on the other hand, just sucks,” added Rubeola.

At press time, SHS staff were relieved to hear that there was an even worse college health service in the state of Massachusetts.

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