by Maria Mavrogenes

QUESTROM —  BU Athletics has announced that they will be adding a new team to its roster: Questrom Smokers. 

In a press conference announcing this collaboration, the head of BU Athletics, Michael Michaelson said, “This crossover between Questrom and the Athletics department really benefits everyone. We are looking forward to welcoming new funding and students to the department.”

Captain of the team, Thad McNielson (QST ‘22)  stated, “It is so nice to finally get some recognition around here, ya feel me? People underestimate the strength and lung capacity it takes to smoke a pack of Marlboros a day along with the occasional hit of my e-cigs, UNDER MY MASK. Not to mention that we’re always out there smoking rain, snow or shine.” 

Along with their newly embroidered red backpacks, the team’s first big investments include an acquisition of vintage original manufactured puff bars and some very legally imported Cuban cigars.  

Other students have had mixed reactions to the decision. According to some, it has fractured friend groups. Sammy Nicolsen (BU MED ‘27), a member of the seven-year medical program, hates it. She said, “Do these people think that the smoking is cool and retro? SMOKING KILLS! BU should be ashamed of this.” 

On the other hand, her friend Miranda Masters (COM ‘24) is a fan. “I can look up the roster for those guys and find their Instagrams. I’m so excited, I’m literally dropping my Questrom minor today. I don’t need to take classes about stocks and money to find an eligible man now. I truly cannot thank BU Athletics enough,” she said.

The team competed in their first tournament against Berklee last Saturday. Berklee was outsmoked by Questrom 4-20, as Berklee consistently lagged behind for the entirety of the tournament.  

This decision by BU Athletics has motivated the BU Crack-Cocaine Student Coalition to petition the Athletics department for a team as well.

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