SECRET BU HEADQUARTERS – BU announced last Thursday that it would be amending its pandemic rules to allow all freshmen to make one friend on campus.

“We’ve heard your complaints, and your blaring Taylor Swift vinyls through the walls, so we hope this change will help settle everyone into campus,” said President Brown.

The decision comes after weeks of isolation for many first-year students, many of whom voiced their anticipation at the prospect of not having to lie anymore when their parents ask if they’ve made any friends.

Not everyone has been thrilled with the decision however; in fact, many students and faculty have voiced safety concerns. “I haven’t had any friends my entire time here, and I’ve been totally fine,” said the entire computer science department. 

BU has developed a state-of-the-art algorithm to scientifically match students with the most compatible friend possible. When asked what the algorithm looks for when matching friends, a spokesperson responded “Well you don’t want them to be too good, because then they might want to spend more time together than allowed, so we hope this will help everyone find a very mediocre acquaintance.”

Students going to meet their new friends will be closely watched and monitored to ensure social distancing at all times. All participants will also be enclosed in a sealed room with only 50 minutes worth of oxygen, to ensure limited contact.

At press time, BU also announced that there are trained snipers on every rooftop to ensure that no student attempts to make more than one friend.

Leave a Reply