Unknown — Today BU Dining Services announced the opening of a new dining hall on, ostensibly, the Charles River campus. However, information on the exact location of the hall is yet to be released by the university.

BU dining halls are infamously busy—which is truly the one and only complaint that students have about them. While perfect otherwise, finding a seat can be tricky.

Penelope Crews, Director of Dining Services on campus, claims that the department kept students in mind with the introduction of this new dining hall, creatively known as Gobble Hall. 

“This place is fucking enormous,” Crews bragged. “You’d have to be blind, or just a moron, to not be able to see this thing. There are so many places to sit and eat; students will get hungry just looking up at it.”

When asked to comment on where the hall was, Crews grew pale and began eyeing the door, suspicious of the slightest movement anyone in the room made. “It will certainly be located,” she mumbled, checking her watch. “Undoubtedly, it’s one of our most corporeal halls to date. It will be, and you can’t prove otherwise.” 

Other members of BU dining services and BU community have expressed their confusion on the whereabouts of the new Gobble Hall. 

One employee, Alex McCartney, said they were scheduled to start Monday, but is yet to be assigned a boss, shift time, or address to report to. “Is this, like, against OSHA or anything?” they asked. “I can’t get fired if they never tell me where to go, right?”

Rumors regarding Gobble have spread across campus like wildfire, with students betting they can pin down the elusive hall. One junior claims they saw staff taking the elevator up the 27th floor of StuVi, while another heard that it was right next to the Other Rhett bench. 

Sophomore Julia Hernberg (CFA ‘24) was insistent that she figured out the exact address of Gobble through a little modern medicinal practice. “If you take two One A Day multivitamins and ask the man with the hat in your comatose dream ‘How much are the lemons?’ he’ll give you the coordinates for Gobble. I swear,” Hernberg said.

Wherever the hell this thing is, BU sure will not forget about the mysterious phantom hall any time in the near future. 

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