OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT—Following students’ universally positive response to the BU Hub, Boston University is pleased to announce their new program, the BU Snub, that will require students to retake high school.

BU’s administration released this statement today:

“One of the major strengths of the BU Hub is its ability to encourage active and enthusiastic learning in our student body. Students are no longer bound to degree-related classes, they can explore nontraditional fields of interest, and, with the amount of AP credits the Hub invalidates, they must take all four years to get their graduation requirements.

“The Snub program is an additional general studies program that will certainly advance the virtues of what we like to call ‘Strategized Repetitive Reeducation,’ so our course material really sticks with students.”

The Snub is a four year program that confiscates students’ high school diplomas. Students are subsequently required to retake every single class they took in high school before they are allowed to enroll in Boston University’s rich catalogue of courses.

Response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly enthusiastic. As junior Blake Kashden (ENG ‘19) puts it, “Yeah, sure, because the only thing that could make paying my $70,000 yearly tuition more fun was if I had to pay it for twice as long. Wait, you’re not serious, are you?”

Likewise, freshman Samantha Cartwright (CAS ‘22) was overwhelmed by the announcement, and began crying what we can only assume were tears of joy.

BU administration has also announced they are planning new programs that will require students to retake their standardized tests and redo college applications, in order to “effectively centralize our students’ educational experience, as well as subsequent payment for said educational experience, at Boston University”.

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