WEDDING AT AGGANIS ARENA — Following the undeniable success of the BU Marriage Pact, BU responds with its very own dating app: 802.1xoxo. Finally! Some good news.

Named after wifi that is so consistently reliable, BU knows that the relationships fostered on 802.1xoxo will be similarly secure. “The statistics from the marriage pact were simply sublime,” said Weall Deservelove (CAS ’23). “With 79% of marriage pact participants going on a date with their match, 88% gaining a singular Instagram follower, and 99% now engaged to their BU Marriage Pact match with seven dogs at home and triplets on the way, it was clear that BU needed a response.” 

Not to be outdone, 802.1xoxo is exactly what students are looking for. “If President Brown knows anything — which he does, he knows everything — it’s that students have a genuine desire for a more academic atmosphere on dating apps,” said Valen Tine (ENG ’22), the mastermind behind the app’s algorithm. “If a message on the app is plagiarized, not properly cited with MLA formatting, or submitted late via Blackboard, the relationship will be ended immediately, which is what we all deserve.” 

Users of 802.1xoxo will be happy to learn that upon downloading the app, a series of choose your own adventure questions will create a profile for you. Questions such as “In MPH, how fast do you typically walk down Comm Ave?” and “What’s your go-to order at Warren Late Nite when you’re crying alone?” will tell students plenty about their potential suitors. 

There is also a place on the app for users to share fun facts about themselves, a fan-favorite feature during Beta Testing. “I don’t hold my breath when walking in front of Questrom because I’m a baddie like that,” 802.1xoxo user U12345678’s profile says. Relatedly, all usernames on the app are simply the BUIDs of students, which adds a fun “guess who” component to 802.1xoxo. 

Monitored 24/7 by CUPID (Curious Undergrads Patrolling the Interface in Desperate-need-of-other-hobbies-and-extracurricular-activities), the app will launch later this month and be up all summer to give students plenty of time to find that special someone for the fall semester. 

At press time, it was announced that the GSU will be repurposed as a wedding venue in order to accommodate the inevitable relationships from 802.1xoxo. It will now be known as the George Sherman Union of Holy Matrimony. 

Leave a Reply