Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)

BOSTON- Surprising most that Warren Towers weren’t on fire as usual, the BU alert system woke students across campus early Monday to remind them to bundle up against the fall weather.

At roughly 2:12 AM, the familiar robotic voice that usually warns students of fires or unsafe situations came blaring through the phones of every BU student in a series of texts, emails, and calls. “THIS IS A CALL FROM THE BU EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM,” a voicemail recording of the call went. “IT’S A LITTLE CHILLY OUT THERE, KIDDO. HOW ABOUT TAKING THAT NIFTY NEW JACKET WITH YOU TOMORROW?”

“Kind of odd that the BU alert system is doing exactly what my mom did for the past eighteen years of my life,” Janet Brandet (COM ‘22) noted. “Still, it was nice to have someone remind me to bring a coat, and then still not bring a coat and complain the whole time. Nostalgic, you know?”

This isn’t the first call regarding personal care the Alert System has issued this semester. Other calls include reminders to eat at least eight servings of fruits and veggies a day, drink plenty of water, and to “CATCH YOUR COUGH, COVER YOUR SNEEZE, LET’S ALL STOP THE SPREAD OF DISEASE.”

“It’s a little weird, not gonna lie,” admitted Bob McLoven (SAR ‘20). “We were taught that same jingle in preschool, and now I’m a legal, tax-paying adult, and it’s being sent to my phone. I really think it’s insulting that BU thinks we’re so immature.” Bob, meanwhile, had picked an impressive booger out of his while speaking, admired it, and then eaten it.

While the Alert System has also been used in the past few weeks for its intended purpose of delivering emergency information, students agree that, for once, the excessive fire alarm alerts were no longer the most pressing notifications they’d get from BU.

“When it’s two AM and I’m sound asleep, there’s only one reason I want an emergency alert system waking me up,” McLoven. “And that’s to be reminded that I need to do laundry tomorrow so my dino jammies are clean.”

When asked to comment on these new alerts, the BU Alert System chuckled robotically, offered to play a game of catch, and ended the call with a surprisingly touching “PROUD OF YOU, SPORT.”

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