COMM AVE—Last Wednesday Boston University’s administration formally admitted to the actual reasons behind their plans for more construction on Commonwealth Avenue: to help wake up students for their early morning classes.

“We found that over 28% of students sleep for over half of their 8:00AM classes,” said Judd Randall, the head of the new construction project initiative. “So we threw some jack hammers in their to ensure that those jerks would wake up to participate in their studies.”

Although unorthodox, this initiative is technically not illegal, and quite effective. There is a strong correlation between the number of construction zones and the amount of students that have been waking up for their morning classes.

“I wasn’t going to go to class but it’s just so loud outside that closing my window doesn’t do anything,” said Molly Nixon (CAS ‘19). “I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I decided to just go to class, I guess.”

Not only has this system resulted in positive effects for students at BU, but it has also been productive in creating new buildings.

“There are a couple side effects and building more buildings on BU’s campus is just one of them,” said Randall. “So is spending millions of dollars.”

While it was strongly speculated  for years that all of the construction on BU’s campus had an ulterior motive, the administration finally revealed it’s true intentions, leaving students and parents perplexed.

At press time, it was revealed that without construction on campus, tuition at BU would cost just under 8,000 a semester, but hey, at least people are getting up for their classes.

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