CAS—Jeremy Clapp (CFA ‘23), whose MacBook iMessages you’ve been staring at all of today’s Intro to Economics lecture, just accused his long distance girlfriend of being a “snake.” More information about their relationship was gleaned as Clapp switched back and forth between his messages and a “r/LetterBoxd” thread he had been scrolling through.

This is the latest update in a lengthy argument between the couple in which several past incidents in their relationship have been recalled. From “That one time at Mary’s” to “That bullshit on New Years,” experts are saying this spat signifies a tumultuous turn in the relationship. 

Clapp’s latest comments on the serpentine nature of his partner have sparked a series of gray bubbles to fly across the Composition and Music Theory major’s laptop screen. To repeat, this man has the balls to liken his girlfriend to an Amazon Tree Boa and also majors in Composition and Music Theory. 

“You’re being so cringe right now, babe,” he said. “I just don’t see what me making out with Jessica has to do with us. This relationship is supposed to be just you and me so I don’t see why you’re so focused on this third person. It makes me think you don’t really love me :’(.” 

Onlookers in CAS EC102 are horrified by this most recent display of vulgarity from Clapp. Your friend you sit next to in lecture, Maggie Smith (CAS ‘24), said it was “the worst thing that that criminal has wrought so far. My heart goes out to that poor woman. When will he be stopped?”

Amidst the professor’s discussion of how much he demanded some supply, snickers were heard from the back of the room as the woman known only as “baby <333” fired back with her own retorts regarding the size of Clapp’s “snake.”

Clapp, visibly angered by the conversation, took a breather and raised his hand to make “more of a comment than a question” and “play devil’s advocate” about ethics in economic structures. 

A “viral” TikTok campaign has been launched by Smith to “Find This Woman.” At the time of publication, the video has an unprecedented 2 likes and 1 share.

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