By: Charlotte Tolman

After years of seeing students under 5’5 float away when the winds get high, another student fell victim to this phenomenon. No one is safe. If you’re behind someone, run and don’t fall victim to the domino effect. You’re also at a higher risk of getting hit in the face with many things: a high speed waft of someone’s smoke from their vape, a hat that is intentionally not worn correctly on the guy who’s losing his hair’s head, tumbleweeds of masks, old papers, and Caines napkins, and the most horrific possibility, a floating student. 

Spotted on West Campus, this student was sporting an oversized t-shirt. However, once the wind hit him, the shirt swelled into a balloon. Because of his tiny stature, this small shirt-balloon served as a flotation device. He let out a screech, however these noises weren’t really out of the ordinary for BU’s campus. Most students saw him go up and just kept walking. 

The kid tried to stay on the course of Comm Ave, fearing he would land in the sewage-filled Charles River. To do so, he held onto the BU banners that line the streets. Unfortunately, he gripped the picture of the girl pouring chemicals into the beaker a little too much, so it ripped. BU, this is your sign to give scholarships to the poor kids on those banners. 

Of all vehicles to land on, it was a Duck Tour! One tourist remarked, “I’m never coming back to Boston!” However, after staring at historical statues and Irish people all day, this was probably the most entertaining part of her trop. 

The student quickly floated off and found himself in between the Warren Towers. What he forgot was that there’s a middle tower. A resident told The Bunion that saw a student hit her window starfish style. He banged on the window to try to get in, but the girl just laughed and lowered the shades. 

The one spot where he could land was the new Data Science Building, because the top had no windows. Unfortunately, the construction workers did not enjoy his plan. The welder intentionally started burning metal next to him, and the carpenter blew their saw dust right into his face. The workers banded together and surrounded him mob-style. The student reports, “I thought I was gonna get jumped, but they were all the same height as me, so I was fine.” They left him two options, to push him off and let him float some more, or send him down on the crane. He picked the latter.

However, he was now in East Campus! And it only took 5 minutes. After explaining this to a few of his friends, they realized this method, while scary, was a good way to get from West to East Campus in time for their next class. We all know that 15 minutes isn’t enough time, President Brown. 

Update: Who would’ve guessed, oversized t-shirts are out of stock everywhere in the greater Boston area. Also, for new students, their orientation gift is not a mug, not a long-sleeve shirt…it’s a parachute.

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