Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21).

SALT LAKE CITY— The VP debate staff has announced an exciting development: since Vice President Mike Pence only allows himself to talk to one woman, his wife, she will be acting as translator for the debate. Karen Pence, whom he exclusively refers to as “mommy”, will hear moderator Susan Page’s questions and relay them to Pence in the only language he understands: religious metaphors. 

Analysts expect it to go something like this:

Susan Page: Mike Pence, we now turn to you. What are your thoughts on women’s rights and abortion?

Karen “Mommy” Pence: Thou shalt not kill any of God’s living creatures? Doth thou agree or disagreeth? 

Pence: Mommy, please tell this brazen hussy to cover up her ankles, and then I will answer the question.

Kamala Harris: I believe in widespread access to abortion, and that women’s bodies shouldn’t be policed.

Karen “Mommy” Pence: She believeth that murder is good. 

Mike Pence has also demanded a few conditions for the debate. For one, he has stated that he will not make eye contact with any female who isn’t Mommy, for fear that they will corrupt his morals with their feminine wiles. In addition, Pence demands that any women who attend the debate cover their voluptuous parts (clavicles, forearms, and ankles). Finally, he requests that Susan Page only speak when spoken to. She has already denied this request.

While the network has paid for Karen Pence to translate, there will be no ASL translator present.

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