Neil Young. Joni Mitchell. Mary Trump, apparently. All people who’ve left Spotify in protest of the insecure five-year-old cosplaying as a grown man known as Joe Rogan. Now we can add another name to the list — but for an even more pregnant reason.
Our close contact within Spotify (definitely not a former intern who just served the execs coffee all day) has confirmed that Drake is planning to pull his music from Spotify if Rihanna’s music is not removed ASAP (not Rocky). Drake notoriously makes his unrequited love of Rihanna everyone else’s problem, and apparently Rihanna’s pregnancy was the last straw for him — his request for the removal of his music came mere minutes after Rihanna’s pregnancy announcement. It’s clear that seeing Rihanna have a healthy relationship with a man who isn’t entirely lacking in musical talent set him off, and forced him to do what is ultimately an act of service in having his music removed.
However, this is not the story that Drake is telling. A representative for Drake (definitely not his dog’s social media manager’s personal assistant’s cousin) stated that the timing of his request was merely a “coincidence” and was brought on by “private factors” outside of Rihanna’s picture perfect relationship. Considering there is absolutely nothing private about how astronomically down bad Drake is for Rihanna, it’s clear that he wants us to think there’s something else motivating his decision.
While numerous possibilities have been raised — including not wanting to be associated with Drake Bell-Campana and planning on starting his own streaming app called iHeartRihanna— the most likely answer is that Drake is incapable of existing in any space with Rihanna, even a virtual one. In addition, starting by leaving Spotify makes Drake’s decision seem like part of a movement, and not just the manifestation of one man’s deepest insecurities.
At the end of the day, we’ve all been in Drake’s place, pining after someone who wants literally nothing to do with us anymore. (If you’re still out there Jerry, I’m available!) However, we don’t all expose our desperation for the world to see. (I’m not joking, Jerry, I still love you.) And we certainly don’t embarrass ourselves while doing so. (Jerry, please, just forget about the time I threw up mid-coitus.) So there’s really only one thing to say about this situation: Thank you, Drake, for making us all feel better about ourselves. (Jerry, if you still love me, meet me at the Esplanade at midnight. I know you still need my love, and I will be waiting for that hotline to bling…please…)