By: Charlotte Howard

FITREC: Welcome to FitRec. As you pass through the security scanners, you will see a large banner titled: “STEPS TO THE PATRIARCHY: A place filled with sweat, tears, and emotionally unavailable men who take their anger and emotions out through lifting weights with the “bros.”

Chad Gilcrest III (CGS ‘22) was off his game. He couldn’t take it any longer. He entered up the swirly ladder to get to the second floor. He then put unnecessary white chalk on his hands and aggressively grunted louder and louder. 

“Bro, you good?” his friend Joey Allen (Questrom ‘22) asked him in the middle of his arm reps. 

“Yeah, man I’m fine,” said Gilcrest III as he lowered his head, rubbed his eyes and sniffled in secrecy. “I can’t believe that Jake lifted 300 pounds today. I was just about to break my personal record, but he threw me off. Bro, just look at him over there.” 

Shoulders back. Pecs out. Jake Galleger (CGS ‘24) stood over in the corner in the shining light of the greasy deadlift machines. He lifts his chin up, sharpens his jaw and pulls out his relaxed finger gun to pose for his picture. Jake achieved the highest record broken at the fitrec gym in the class of 20 people at the 5’ o’clock slot on the second floor.

Chad Gilcrest III sits in the corner, his chalky face streaked with tears as he watches Jake. He blasts STRONGER by YE and cancels that negative shit through his spankin’ new AirPod Pro’s.

Fitrec Employee Lily Snyder (Pre med & CAS ‘24) was a lifting therapist in her minimal free time, specifically focusing on men from CGS and Questrom who spend the majority of their time on the second floor of the FitRec.

Synder prepares lesson plans each day before work with all of her female co-workers. Synder has worked to implement a feelings farm in the arms section for a long time now which just recently got approved by Daddy Brown. He occasionally checks it out in his free time. 

As you enter the feelings farm, baby binkies in every color are spread across the colorfully carpeted room. Men in the corner are breastfeeding out of their pecs, repeating mantras outloud like “Life is not a competition and I love myself.” No one can talk unless they have the talking stick, which is a false positive CVS pregnancy test. 

The stick is passed along to every man sitting criss-cross applesauce. Synder announces she will lead a guided meditation. 

“Now take three deep breaths. Ready everyone? Inhale 2…3…4… Exhale 2….3…4…” As you inhale, repeat I AM WORTHY. As you exhale, let everything go. Be aware. Emotions may come out of this exercise that are unexpected. 

The feelings farm was endorsed by Planned Parenthood and is a way to implement the new wave of male birth control through comparison and tears.

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