Alt-rock icon Natalie Merchant said it best: “I must be one of the wonders of God’s own creation. And as far as they can see they can offer no explanation.” These lyrics ring especially true for Samantha Pellegrino, a woman I found on Craigslist who claims to have been born with a SodaStream in her vagine. Yes, you read that correctly. In a heated interview with The Pinky Toe, Pellegrino shed some light on her puzzling pussy predicament. 

Sophia Stio: Thank you so much for sitting down to chat with me, Ms. Pellegrino. 

Samantha Pellegrino: I can’t sit. 

SS: Right, I guess I’ll just dive in. I understand that you were born with a SodaStream in your…

SP: …pussy? Yes, that is correct. 

SS: Explain how that happened, please. 

SP: Well, I was conceived in the storage closet of a Bed, Bath and Beyond. Doctors believe that something went terribly wrong when my parents had…you know.

SS: You can say pussy but you can’t say intercourse? 

SP: Are you challenging me, Ms. Stio? 

SS: No, I’m just trying to locate the boundaries here. 

SP: I thought you were curious about my crotch conundrum. 

SS: That too. 

SP: Let’s focus on that. 

SS: Alright. So I’m guessing you were born and the doctors were shocked at what was down there. I bet they ran tests and informed the medical community of your situation. 

SP: Not necessarily. Almost immediately they turned their fruit infused water into seltzer. 

SS: And after that they probably called all of the major medical journals, right? 

SP: No, they just made more drinks. 

SS: What about your parents? Were they concerned? 

SP: Oh, yeah.

SS: I can’t imagine. They probably were eager for answers. 

SP: Not really. They were more concerned about finding an outlet to plug me into. 

SS: Oh? 

SP: But even as a baby I ensured everyone that there were enough bubbles to go around. 

SS: Let’s jump to my biggest question: Are you able to have sex? 

SP: Did Ronald Reagan like jelly beans?

SS: Is that your answer? 

SP: I have a ton of sex, ask anyone. 

SS: Nice. 

SP: Sophia, what you need to understand is that I’m the full package, okay? My lovers never have to leave the room when they get dehydrated. They say they’re thirsty, I say “look no further…”

SS: You have a generous spirit.

SP: That’s kind of you to say. 

SS: I guess my last question is what do you want people to know about your ordeal? 

SP: I’m more than my panty hamster–i’m a human being. I wake up, go to work, and walk through life the same way that everyone else does. 

SS: You’re saying you put your pants on one leg at a time like we all do?

SP: Well, no. That’s a bad example. I do have a machine built into my baby-shoot afterall.

SS: My apologies. That was tone deaf. 

SP: I guess I want people to know that I’m a normal gal who likes to get busy with the fizzy. 


SS: Thank you for chatting with me, Ms. Pellegrino.

SP: Do you need anything else from me for this interview?

SS: Well, if I’m being honest, I am a little thirsty. 

SP: Please never contact me again.

SS: I will respect those wishes.

Leave a Reply