QUESTROM—Sources have confirmed that the members of the Board of Trustees voted yesterday to divest from harmful fossil fuels, instead choosing to funnel their resources into Blockbuster stock.
“Anthropogenic climate change caused by use of fossil fuel energy sources is possibly the largest and most complex challenge mankind will face during this century,” stated president Robert Brown. “The second largest and most complex challenge faced by mankind is probably finding a way to watch Spy Kids 3, which is why we’re diverting our resources into Blockbuster stock.”
The University plans to replace the food court in the GSU with a state of the art Blockbuster, and all students will automatically be enrolled in the Blockbuster Rewards Program. Consequently, tuition will face an 8% raise next year, up from 3.5% this past year.
“I love Spy Kids 3,” responded Athena Portokalos (Pardee ‘18). “I’m so glad the Board of Trustees has finally found a way to connect with our generation.”
While the GSU is closed, a temporary food court will be constructed in Marsh Plaza. The Board of Trustees has set aside $100,000 for this temporary location, which will exclusively serve Hot Pockets and Shirley Temples.
At press time, the Board of Trustees was considering investing in stocks such as Heely’s, Furby, and Radio Shack.