At 10:11 on Sunday night, locals got the chance to view a phenomenon called “the Super Blood Moon.” In science, the Blood Moon is thought to be called such because of the red hue that appears over the moon during a lunar eclipse, an event that occurs every 43.76 years. In real life, however, the moon is actually bleeding.

“Just over the right side of the moon is an opening about the size of Texas. I personally think the moon may be experiencing a hemorrhage, but my colleagues are making stronger arguments for the moon’s menstrual cycle,” states Dr. Marnie Winker, MD, of the Boston Medical Center.

Reports around the world have expressed notions of immediate action, even requesting that Russia send appropriately moon-sized tampons to the nearest space station for application, and surgeons unite to potentially close the larges wound they’ve seen to date.

In England, officials are discussing other causes of bleeding and the possibility of infection. During their mid-talk snack, someone yelled, “Look at the bloody moon,” which only complicated the confusion further.

For viewing purposes only, a group of BU students convened on the docks of the Esplanade. Among them was frequent dock attendee Perry Keet (CFA ’16).

“Someone oughtta get that moon a band aid,” Keet said after comparing the redness of his eyes to the moon. He concluded that the moon “out-redded” him.

At press time, the man on the moon was yelling down to earth, “One of you idiots help me, I’ve been stabbed by Jupiter’s 16th moon, the janky swindler!”

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