AMORY PARK—A crippling blizzard will hit Boston late Monday, effectively shutting down the city and facilitating an environment for some of the most intense day drinking seen in decades.
“This is going to be an all-out blackout drinking event,”said Alan Dunston, a meteorologist at the National Weather Service. “The city will be inundated with inebriated students trying to sled and make snow angels.”
Strong drinking is expected, with some students expected to consume 10 shots per hour. The highest volume of marijuana consumption is expected across Allston in vibey basement rooms, the weather service said.
As early as Sunday afternoon, students were rushing to collect the needed supplies to weather the storm.
“I just picked up a gram of sensei kush and I’m about to pick up a lava lamp,” said Jonah Fervis (CAS ‘16). “I also just picked up this Cheech and Chong VHS out of the bargain bin, so I think I’m stocked up with the essentials.”
At Blanchard’s Liquor on Harvard Street, students were clamoring over bottles of Gin and Margarita mix.
“This is a serious storm, I need to be adequately prepared with the basics,” said Hunter Stimson (SMG ’18). “I need milk, eggs, bread, beer, gin, wine, rum, four loco, and tequila.”
At press time, Boston University was holding off on canceling classes in hopes of delaying mass drug use.