CHESTER ST—A desparate situation was rectified on Wednesday when Fox News host Bill O’Reilly donated two cases of top-notch beer to a boring house party in Allston.
Reports indicate that the party had not been going well, with most partygoers sipping a few warm beers in the living room while chatting about their favorite food trucks.
“The party was on its last legs, but then we heard a loud knock at the door,” said Justin Chen (CAS ‘15). “Turns out that Bill O’Reilly was waiting outside, and ready to rage.“
Fresh off his $10,000 donation to The Daily Free Press, O’Reilly kicked open the door and exclaimed, “THE O’REILLY FACTOR IS HERE WITH SOME FOX BREWS!”
Eyewitnesses noted that Mr. O’Reilly then took out the keys to his ‘73 Mustang and shotgunned a tallboy.
“Who knew that Bill would be so chill?” said Jake Tappenman (COM ‘16). “I know I’m supposed to hate him, but he made a clutch move at a crucial moment. Our party was about to hit a critical low that we couldn’t have bounced back from.”
“I just wanted the tradition of breaking it down with a couple of fine honeys in a dirty house in Allston to continue, like tax breaks for the wealthy,” said O’Reilly before taking a shot and hitting a fat spliff.
At press time, O’Reilly was “killing it” at beer pong and only went on a rant against women’s reproductive rights for ten or fifteen minutes.