Photoshopped by Michael Yue (CAS '23)
Sophia Yakumithis (CAS '21)

Sophia is a junior studying history and art history. She has a good personality.

SARGENT — When we tell you that Bernie Sanders is the crunchiest presidential candidate there is, we aren’t kidding!

From the start of the election cycle, we, at Sargent Choice, realized that this raisin of a man is full of fiber, robust, and socialist flavors. And yes, we checked his expiration date!

Clocking in at four grams of fiber per cup— which rivals a daily serving from a heart healthy bowl of oatmeal—Sanders is the perfect choice for the average American, backed up from the financial burden of student loan debt and anxiety medications. 

Let’s take a look at some other options: Kamala Harris? 14 grams of sugar per serving. Elizabeth Warren? More like your generic store brand. And don’t even get us started on Mark Sanford, a candidate packed with preservatives and artificial flavors. Sanders ALWAYS follows Sargent Choice guidelines, planning to replace the top one percent with a vegan, locally sourced distribution of wealth. 

And don’t you worry about sacrificing taste for quality. We, at Sargent Choice Food, can assure you that between the tears of capitalists and Mitch McConnel’s dignity, Sanders will lead this country with only the BEST quality ingredients, all sourced locally. 

With OVER 18 OPTIONS to choose from, the cereal aisle can get pretty overwhelming. That’s why it’s time for the aroma of the Muppet version of Larry David to fill YOUR kitchen Cabinet!

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