COMMONWEALTH AVE—There is a sudden sickness running rampant at Boston University, yet COVID is not to blame.
This new virus has seemingly travelled up the T all the way to BU campus, like freshman who failed to complete a successful Allston crawl. However, it is believed that the virus terrorizing Commonwealth Avenue has originated from B*ston C*llege, and thus known as the BC Plague.
The BC Plague is believed to be a mutated strain of strep throat that is so pretentious it doesn’t even show up on tests (seriously, this is not even a joke). Symptoms have been hitting students harder than cold brew in the middle of their 8 a.m.
The tension is palpable in a 400 person lecture hall that is interrupted by a chorus of incessant hacking and throat clearing by SHEIN queens and dudes who wear snapbacks to class. The symphony of sniffles is a sign that the BC Plague is inching its way down Commonwealth like the South Campus Jerker of last semester.
Paranoia and fear has gripped campus as BU students see the signs that events of Biblical proportions are still to come. The Charles River has turned to Pink Whitney and a twisted kind of shortage of BU’s livestock comes in the form of all of the dining hall’s running out of non-dairy milk options.
Residents of Allston have resorted to painting their doorways with lamb’s blood, or rather red dye and corn syrup from Star Market. Olivia Johnson, a resident of Allston, said, “These damn college kids always bring something new around. First, it was the COVID, then it was the kind of chlamydia you only get from koalas: Koala Khlamydia. And, now this!”
Students who have only taken one epidemiology class are racking their brains trying to figure out the source of the virus. The current theory is an eagle and a BC frat boy from Connecticut, (who is “just looking to vibe and watch The Office haha”), made out quite sloppily, and the interaction of their saliva spawned the outbreak.
One exasperated student said, “They infested all of the restaurants on OUR campus and then have the gumption to claim it ‘Sucks to BU’? Why can’t BC kids keep their germs to themselves, like how they keep their shitty campus in Chestnut Hill to themselves?”
As this plague descends upon BU campus, students brace themselves for the impending darkness to befall the land, which is just Daylight Savings, and the swarm of locusts that will invade and clog up everyone’s Tinder feeds.